Letter to Daddy

Dear Daddy -
I miss you. I couldn't have know how much this would hurt until you were gone. The day you passed is so far the hardest day of my life. Holding your hand as you took your last breath felt overwhelming. I can honestly say it took my own breath away. I have no words for the feelings I felt and still feel. No real way to explain how I miss you. It's truly incredible, sometimes overwhelming the pain of your death. You were so young. Too young. I feel selfish sometimes for my feeling. I am glad you no longer live in pain... how you went on day after day is something I don't think anyone can truly understand. I used to cry after leaving your house because even though you tried hard to hide it, I could see your pain. I hated it. I still hate you lived through that for so long. But, for my own selfish reasons I still want you here. I want to see you kiss Cady. I can hear your voice in my head, " I'm excited to watch her grow up. She wont be afraid of me like the other kids were when they were little because they didn't know me." I want you to watch her grow up! I want to watch you, watch her grow up. There are nights that don't seem to end. When the hot tears wont stop. Your face that day in the hospital wont leave my mind. Your last words repeating over and over... "I just want to feel better." I'm so sorry you had to feel those things. They rip me up inside. Before I lost you I thought I knew what sadness was. I have been through hard things but, nothing compares to this sadness. I know I will see you again and that is the only thing that gives me peace. I have prayed so hard to know that and it has been confirmed to me that I will see you. I will hug and kiss you. We will be reunited and for that knowledge I am thankful. But, knowing these things doesn't mean that I miss you any less. Sometimes I feel so alone in my feelings (even though I know I'm not the only one who lost you). I get scared to speak of you because the tear come so fast and don't stop easy. I want you to know I love you Daddy. I want you to forgive me for not being a better daughter. I'm sorry for not calling more while you were in TX. I'm sorry for not being kinder and more understanding while you were sick. I hope you knew how deep my love for you is. Gosh I miss you! There is one more thing I want to tell you. Something only you will understand. I know it was you... Thank you!

It's been a while

It's been a long time since I have blogged... oh well! Ok so I can't believe this.... I came in here to blog a little and Amber work up. Oh well. Maybe next time. But here are some pictures.

Giveaway

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My Joy

So here is the story! Amber is in Joy school this year and she loves it. It is teaching her how to find joy in herself and the world around her. It has wonderful music, fun lessons, new things to learn and explore, and new friends to get to know. It has been going wonderful these past 3 weeks! This week it has been at my house with my sister in law teaching. SO fun to see it up close and not be the one teaching! I got to sit back and observe the learning. I saw the lights go on in their eyes. The joy they felt learning a new song or understanding what their senses are and help them do! SO MUCH FUN! Alysha - you did an awesome job - I love you! So here are some pics from this last week. I tried not to take too many because I didn't want to distract the kids... I really had to fight the urge to bust out the camera every 5seconds!
These are from Tuesday; the kids were just sitting around the table for an activity.





Here is Thursday (today). We had an extra kid today. I was babysitting my neighbor's kid while she went to an interview. THX Alysha for taking on an extra kiddo!








As you can see they got to make pudding and use it to finger paint! It was a huge hit. So after school was over I made lunch for my two. Amber wanted more pudding and I told her if she eats all her soup she can have some before her nap. That was all I had to say! If you know Amber, she doesn't eat that well, so that was huge for her. I guess she wanted the pudding. Here are some pics before lunch/pudding...


They were both clean and so was my kitchen
Then I gave them pudding....





Amber is such a sweet big sister! She loves feeding Brigham and asked to share her pudding with him. After these first pics I asked Amber to now feed Brigham the right way or she won’t be able to anymore. Ok. I walked away... After about 5 mins of me doing laundry I thought they are being to quiet. This is what I found!





I laughed and laughed! I should have taken a picture of the highchair, table, and floor! She did the total job. After my great laugh I stripped them down to take a bath and found another surprise that made me laugh even harder.

She even painted his back! It was too good. These two are the joy in my life! Moments like this I will remember forever and they won’t remember them at all. These moments and memories are what life is about! A sweet brother and sister doing what they do best, sharing and making a mess! Life doesn't give any more joy than that! Times like this make all my other worries/problems seem so unimportant. With everything that causes me stress I can still find joy each day! I still laugh. I still smile. How could I not? I know you smiled when you saw their cute, messy faces! I have two healthy, happy, beautiful, JOYFUL kids! I am so blessed!
This is My Joy!

9/11/2001

I remember. GOD bless the USA!
Ground Zero in 2007

Joy School

My girl started Joy School! She was so excited and had a really good time. I can't believe I have a 3 year old... I'm ganna blink and she will be 18! AAAAAHHHHHHHH. I love her so much. She is such a sweet girl and so smart ;)

The Gift

Church was difficult today. A family in my ward is going through ever parent's nightmare. My heart is just broken for them. There were a lot of tears listening to the update by Bishop in Sacrament meeting. It's a good thing Brigham needed to walk the halls. I lost it pretty bad and was glad I wasn't in front of to many people. Primary was something I will remember for the rest of my life. They spotlighted little Rachel today and we sang her favorite primary song. As soon as the children started singing the Spirit just intensified! I can't explain it; it was like a wave moving through the room giving us all a hug. Honestly the most beautiful feeling ever. How thankful I am for my children. I pray I never have to experience what this family is going through. But if I do, I am deeply grateful for my knowledge of the Atonement! Jesus Lives! That is pure truth and because He lives, we will all live again. With Temple Covenants and enduring to the end we will be together forever. That is such a precious gift! Hug your babies... we never know when they will be called home!