Dear Daddy -
I miss you. I couldn't have know how much this would hurt until you were gone. The day you passed is so far the hardest day of my life. Holding your hand as you took your last breath felt overwhelming. I can honestly say it took my own breath away. I have no words for the feelings I felt and still feel. No real way to explain how I miss you. It's truly incredible, sometimes overwhelming the pain of your death. You were so young. Too young. I feel selfish sometimes for my feeling. I am glad you no longer live in pain... how you went on day after day is something I don't think anyone can truly understand. I used to cry after leaving your house because even though you tried hard to hide it, I could see your pain. I hated it. I still hate you lived through that for so long. But, for my own selfish reasons I still want you here. I want to see you kiss Cady. I can hear your voice in my head, " I'm excited to watch her grow up. She wont be afraid of me like the other kids were when they were little because they didn't know me." I want you to watch her grow up! I want to watch you, watch her grow up. There are nights that don't seem to end. When the hot tears wont stop. Your face that day in the hospital wont leave my mind. Your last words repeating over and over... "I just want to feel better." I'm so sorry you had to feel those things. They rip me up inside. Before I lost you I thought I knew what sadness was. I have been through hard things but, nothing compares to this sadness. I know I will see you again and that is the only thing that gives me peace. I have prayed so hard to know that and it has been confirmed to me that I will see you. I will hug and kiss you. We will be reunited and for that knowledge I am thankful. But, knowing these things doesn't mean that I miss you any less. Sometimes I feel so alone in my feelings (even though I know I'm not the only one who lost you). I get scared to speak of you because the tear come so fast and don't stop easy. I want you to know I love you Daddy. I want you to forgive me for not being a better daughter. I'm sorry for not calling more while you were in TX. I'm sorry for not being kinder and more understanding while you were sick. I hope you knew how deep my love for you is. Gosh I miss you! There is one more thing I want to tell you. Something only you will understand. I know it was you... Thank you!
