Dear Daddy -
I miss you. I couldn't have know how much this would hurt until you were gone. The day you passed is so far the hardest day of my life. Holding your hand as you took your last breath felt overwhelming. I can honestly say it took my own breath away. I have no words for the feelings I felt and still feel. No real way to explain how I miss you. It's truly incredible, sometimes overwhelming the pain of your death. You were so young. Too young. I feel selfish sometimes for my feeling. I am glad you no longer live in pain... how you went on day after day is something I don't think anyone can truly understand. I used to cry after leaving your house because even though you tried hard to hide it, I could see your pain. I hated it. I still hate you lived through that for so long. But, for my own selfish reasons I still want you here. I want to see you kiss Cady. I can hear your voice in my head, " I'm excited to watch her grow up. She wont be afraid of me like the other kids were when they were little because they didn't know me." I want you to watch her grow up! I want to watch you, watch her grow up. There are nights that don't seem to end. When the hot tears wont stop. Your face that day in the hospital wont leave my mind. Your last words repeating over and over... "I just want to feel better." I'm so sorry you had to feel those things. They rip me up inside. Before I lost you I thought I knew what sadness was. I have been through hard things but, nothing compares to this sadness. I know I will see you again and that is the only thing that gives me peace. I have prayed so hard to know that and it has been confirmed to me that I will see you. I will hug and kiss you. We will be reunited and for that knowledge I am thankful. But, knowing these things doesn't mean that I miss you any less. Sometimes I feel so alone in my feelings (even though I know I'm not the only one who lost you). I get scared to speak of you because the tear come so fast and don't stop easy. I want you to know I love you Daddy. I want you to forgive me for not being a better daughter. I'm sorry for not calling more while you were in TX. I'm sorry for not being kinder and more understanding while you were sick. I hope you knew how deep my love for you is. Gosh I miss you! There is one more thing I want to tell you. Something only you will understand. I know it was you... Thank you!
3 comments:
That was beautiful Trina. Really, that was so special to read and to actually see you put your heart and soul in that letter to your dad. Your dad was truly such a kind special man. when he and Sue were living with Craig and Nancy We came to town. He was so polite and kind and was so sweet with Vander and so precious with Danielle! He really was a great man. And you will see him again. What a comfort it is that we have the knowledge to know that we will be reunited with our loved ones again. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful touching part of you. Love you
Charayye
Beautiful Trina. I am so sorry for your loss. I have never heard another person put into words so well the pain of watching your loved one slip away, and all the mixed feelings that come with it. I lost my dad 13 years ago this November,and though it was one of the hardest times of my life, it was also one of the times that my testimony of the Saviors love for me grew as I had to rely on Him so deeply to get through it. You have such beautful testimony Trina, and such an amazing spirit--you are one of my heroes and I love you and wish I was there to hug you. So here's a giant **hug** from across the country. You'll be in our prayers. Love, Kelleen
Hey Girl, I had no idea. I'm so sorry about your Dad. As I read your letter I just thought "cry it out Trina, cry it out." Through my grief I have learned that crying is such a cleansing thing. You have to let it hurt sometimes. You are such a sweet and happy person. I am thinking of you.
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